Unless you're just coming out of winter hibernation, you will
have noticed that the Internet has been abuzz this week leading up to the
cinematic premier of 50 Shades of Grey on Valentine's Day. In particular, the
entire Christian blogosphere has dusted off its collective megaphone on the
subject; Matt Walsh, adam4d, and a host of others have spoken out in vehement
opposition to the movie, while others still have called for a boycott. (This frenzy is only surpassed by the stampede of women from all walks of life eager to see this book series come to life on the silver screen.)
I will not be adding to that rallying cry.
Instead, I want to post a response to a blog posted by Becky on
scissortailsilk.com called Christian Women and Christian Grey. I posted it to
my Facebook profile because I feel it eloquently communicates the root
issue behind the allure this movie has, even among Christian women: marital monotony
and loneliness. If you haven't yet read her blog, please do. I benefitted a
great deal from it.
After having read Becky’s post, a question rolled around in
my heart on my drive home: “If I found out that my own wife went to see 50
Shades, how would I respond?”
Now before I launch into the answer, I feel it is important
to make a crucial distinction that is largely missing in this very public conversation:
the difference between “should” and “will/did”. Everyone in Christendom is
declaring whether they feel women should see the movie. The odd thing about the
word “should” is that it is a concept word. It denotes idealism, morality and
ethical preference. I personally hate the word, because it has simultaneous
power to both challenge and condemn, and is hard to control in that way. I would go so far as to speculate that more Christian
women live in bondage to the word “should” than to actual sexual bondages like
pornography, unhealthy fantasies or extramarital affairs. And yes, the play on
words was intended, because I guess I’m just clever like that.
The other words, “will/did” are words of action. “Will”
speaks to mental and emotional decisions. When someone says “I will do this or
that”, they are saying they've come to a decision about their future action in
light of or in spite of what they
should do. Then saying “I did or didn't do this or that”, they reveal that they
followed through on that decision. These words are infinitely more important
than “should”. Why? Because the human will is more unruly than our moral/ethical
compasses. After all, Christian men who are addicted to porn know that they
shouldn't watch it, but that doesn't stop them from doing it. Strong morals,
weak wills.
So should Christian women watch 50 Shades of Grey (or anyone
for that matter)? I personally don't think so. I think it's monumental when the feminist movement and the evangelical movements agree on ANY SUBJECT. No, I don't think anyone should see this movie, and I'm not alone in that opinion. But honestly … Who cares? Do we
really need to jump in the ring for another round of moral debate to determine
who's right and who's wrong? How does that benefit anyone? How does that help your or my marriage?
So back to the premise question: What would I do if I found
out my own wife saw 50 Shades?
Love her.
And I'm recommending and even imploring other Christian men
to do the same with their wives.
Why? Well that starts to get to the heart of the matter. As
Becky pointed out, many women are attracted to the 50 Shades fantasy because of
a lack in their own marriages. Lack of intimacy. Lack of exhilaration. Lack of
spontaneity. Lack of communication. Lack of love. And while those things aren’t
excuses to watch 50 Shades any more than it is an excuse for men to sneak away to watch
porn on their computers, it’s still an issue that must be addressed. 50 Shades
of Grey isn’t a cure for boring marriages, or rather, the inherent boringness
of marriage.
“Should she see it?” If I’m asking that question, I’m
missing the point as a husband. Better to ask “Why does she want to see it?” or
“What is she looking for from the movie that she doesn’t feel she has in our
marriage?” It’s a hard question to ask, because it assumes that I’m not giving
my wife something she needs. But what is that? Is it intimacy? Romance? Trust? Spontaneity?
Love? And once I ask myself those hard questions, do I have the courage to ask
her and really listen to the answer?
(Just to clarify, so
as not to inspire any vitriol towards my wife, we’ve talked about this. She
doesn’t want to see the movie because she knows the emotional impact it will
have on her. This isn’t airing out our issues in full view of the public. This
is a challenge to men to do what WE can to keep this movie from driving a wedge
in our marriages, whether our wives see it or not. Even if you’re repulsed by
the idea of the movie, its cultural prominence provides a great opportunity to examine our own
hearts and actions regarding our wives.)
Gentlemen, the bottom line is this: if we’re loving our wives as Christ loves the Church, they won’t want to go to this or any other movie looking to feed a fantasy. Lust doesn’t hold a candle to true love. Christian Grey pales in comparison to a Christian husband who is committed to cherishing his wife. If you’re assertive, adventurous, available and vulnerable in the bedroom, she’s not going to care what Christian Grey does in his.
So I fully agree with Becky, just from the other side of the coin. Let’s take back sex, and in so doing, take back marriage. Let’s stop focusing on this movie and start focusing on how to satisfy, love, cherish and protect our wives when they’re with us. The Apostle Paul understood this, and he wasn’t even married. Lots of sex = little temptation to stray. Little sex = lots of temptation to stray. It’s not difficult math. So if you’re wife is planning on going to see 50 Shades, rather than protesting or condemning, why not give her a reason to stay home with you instead? Surely there’s more incentive being the wife in your bedroom than there is in merely being a fly on the wall of Christian Grey’s play room. Surely you can write for her a love story with your life and time that surpasses the one that happens in ink or on the screen between Christian and Ana.
Not sure how? Try asking. Just a thought.
